Worth School

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I bring you the match report from Sunday 4th May, where the Sussex Martlets were guests of honour at Worth School in typically baltic, early, English cricket season conditions. With only 1 day to go before the most important fixture of these Worth school children’s short lives thus far, yours truly, only had 10 players. After returning from my extended holiday (running away from adult life for a bit) in Australia, to mach manage my first fixture in over 18 months, this was not ideal. However, cometh the hour, cometh the man, Ollie Jones (Debutant), of Buxted Park, stepped up on the eve of the fixture to complete my XI. Buoyed by the realisation I now had a full playing XI, I was actually rather excited to lead my Martlets side (a Buxted Park and West Chilts Hybrid Team really) out onto the field of play once again and, oh boy, did the day not disappoint. After the most beautiful spring weather we had enjoyed the entire week leading up to the fixture, naturally, the weather turned overnight into the most diabolically, bitter, wind that really was not asked for. The evening before, I reiterated to my heroes in waiting that this is a classy affair and smart casual attire is required. However, I did say that smart shorts were acceptable. This was probably the worst clothing decision that I and many of the team, had ever made. We turned up in typical Martlets style (fashionably late with questionable fashion choices) to a delightfully welcoming tea and coffee table. Very much needed. After speaking to Raj before his Worth side started to warm up (a warm up on a Sunday?), he reiterated to me that his poor Worth side had been decimated by exam season and a host of injuries (huge them problem). He suggested I choose to bat first and a score of 170/180 would be enough for a fair game. Naturally, I saw this as an invitation to break every batting record known to man kind. Once my team had arrived, I let my men know of the good news from the ‘toss’. In typical Martlets fashion, I had accidentally put together a team of 11 top order batsman and being the really good bloke that I am, I did the honourable thing and put myself at 11. And with that, the opening pair of Ollie Jones and Sam Carter headed out to get us going. What wasn’t on my bingo card for the day, was Worth apparently having no WiFi accessible to guests (is that really true?) and our poor scorer trying to get into Play-Cricket via his own phone’s hotspot. Our scorer then asked Raj, who for some reason had wandered to the furthest part of the ground, for his team sheet. Raj swiftly came over, gave the name of the opening bowler and then started to walk off again. Baffling. With the opening pair waiting patiently in the middle for the scorer’s wave for play to commence, I took it upon myself (again, I’m such a good bloke I know) to score the old fashioned way with a pen until the pesky technology was ready. To say getting this match actually started was a bit of a struggle would be an understatement. However, at 11.45, 15 minutes behind schedule, the first ball was bowled. In this 15 minute delay, I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much shadow batting in my life. This clearly didn’t help Sam’s game mind you, as he fell for 10 trying to bully a child out to the leg side boundary. Upon his dismissal, Sam pulled out the laptop and started to do some work. This was to ‘punish’ himself, apparently. Weird. This bought Nick Beechey to the crease, who also didn’t last long. Trying to go down town off the off-spinner and finding mid-on who took a good catch above his head. A this point, I was glad I had the longest tail in Martlets history. Originally batting at 9 in my provisional order, Hugo Gillespie took me aside and said he didn’t get much of a bat on Saturday (his own fault) and so would like a hit today. This meant we came to a compromise and Hugo went in next. What followed next was a joy to watch… Ollie Jones, having had limited chance with the bat this season thus far on a Saturday, was making the most of the opportunity at the top of the order. After being pinned a few times by a 14 year old, Ollie realised he was in fact both older and taller than his opposition and so decided to actually use his bat. OJ (a.k.a. Fish, we’ll come back to this…) got himself to a lovely 50 way before lunch. I, then like any good match manager, relayed the news of OJ’s 50 to the Buxted Park group chats. Knowing what I had done would probably lead to OJs dismissal (some form of commentators curse), as I wanted others to have a bat, he was on his way back to the pavilion a few balls later. Sorry Fish. This bought Redding Barnes to the crease. Amongst all this, Hugo had been batting beautifully, not giving a single indication that Worth would ever be able to get him out. Red and Hugo got us to lunch with ease and I was one very happy match manager, with already 150 on the board. We moved as a group over to the school for lunch, which included a fine selection of meats, salads, cheeses, breads and more. Iain Allan, who hadn’t done much other than shiver so far, decided no one else needed any food and ate enough to feed the whole team. Get your match fees worth, I suppose. In a similar fashion, some of us started to notice the sheer volume of tea that Gus Simon was consuming (Is everything okay at home, mate?). Every time I looked at Gus he had a cup of tea in his hand, but not once did I see him go to the toilet. Interesting. Anyway, once lunch and the profiteroles had been deleted from existence, we waddled back to resume play. Prior to lunch, the ‘world’s longest worm’ had been discovered and kept all 10 brain cells of the team, and a golden retriever, occupied for a good 20 minutes. I will let the you decided who in the team does not have a brain cell… Hugo and Red picked up where they left off, with Red soon falling for a lovely 32 from 33 rocks in the end. Just trying to hit one too many balls too the moon off a 12 year old, I think. Happens to the best of us. By this point, Hugo has passed 50 with ease and was looking brilliant. This brought ‘Sir’ to the crease (Will Burch). Only on the morning of the day did I remember that Will was indeed a teacher for our opponents and had in fact spent the previous day coaching the School’s 2nd XI. Naturally, because we are all such funny blokes, Will was referred to as ‘Sir’ for the rest of the day. Sir then made his way to the middle. Sir was determined to not do the most embarrassing thing ever Sir didn’t want to get out to one of his pupil’s doom seeds. Sir then did exactly that. Sir is silly. Not long later, Hugo bought us his hundred and did the gentlemen’s thing and walked off. Well done mate, they were 12. Iain Allan did a very Iain thing and hit a 6 into orbit, whilst Gus did Gus things and nudged it around for a very well made 5 (five) not out. I then decided enough was enough, as Tom Clift didn’t fancy going in next and declared at 250 from our 47 overs. Debutant Tom was so excited to run around after nearly freezing to death, he had gone into full survival mode, which meant becoming a turtle (please see attached). Just what I wanted from my opening bowler… Naturally, after putting myself down to bat 11 and being such a good bloke all day, I thought I deserved the new ball. It then only took me 8 deliveries to justify that decision by cleaning up their opener. The silence from the Worth fans (parents) was deafening as they soon realised that their little ones chasing 2 million was gonna be a hard watch. From the other end, our resident turtle decided, out of nowhere, to bowl an absolute seed and break a bail. This was made even funnier as TC tends to open the batting and keep wicket on a Saturday. The following over, I bowled a simply unplayable delivery, clipping the number 3’s outside edge and… like a sleeping cat being startled awake by a slamming door, Sam Carter jumped, dove low to his left, sticking out a big left paw and taking an absolute grab, millimetres from the turf. Did it carry? Who cares, neither umpire was in a mood to question Sam whilst he was off on his 3rd lap of the square in celebration. And just like that, Worth were 12-3. How goods cricket, aye? What then proceeded was quite the procession. Yours truly decided to give everyone a bowl, for some reason. Amongst the chaos of the opening few overs, Debutant Ollie Jones found himself at mid-on. What a rookie mistake. After every ball, no matter where it ended up, the ball was being launched straight to OJ (a.k.a. Fish, again, we’ll come back to this…). I felt sorry for the bloke, his hands red raw from the new, hard rock being rocketed at him from all directions in the baltic conditions. One of the most amusing things I have ever seen on the field of play. I wasn’t aware the Sussex Martlets condoned university style initiations, but I think the other 9 blokes in the team will all back me up and say it was quite fun character building (bullying) a exercise and it needs to become ‘a thing’. I have just become aware of how long this match report is, apologies. Nick, in his short and sweet spell, managed to lid a 14 year old, to then bowl a bouncer again, which somehow the batsman bottom edged onto the base of middle stump. No one celebrated. Hugo decided to make one of the simplest catches ever really hard for himself, by running away from the ball, then sideways and then diving forward at the last second, to only get up and act like it was a reeeeeally difficult chance and he might have popped his shoulder out. Plot twist, he hadn’t. This grab was off George Bryan, who bowled well in his spell, for little reward. We did discover though, that after George went to retrieve a few balls from the fence, his throwing action (essentially bowling it in from the deep) is more of a legal action than his genuine bowling action. Impressive. Iain by his standards had had a pretty quiet day all told. Just the one 6 in his innings. After realising that the reason he is always ‘injured’ is because he swings too hard, he didn’t fancy a bowl. In all fairness to the Worth batsmen, they quickly worked out Iain is not exactly a weapon in the field and were running singles to him in the ring freely. Iain also had lost interest completely by this stage and was throwing balls into poor Gus left handed, which, a bit like George with his bowling, was a better technique than his usual throw right handed. Martlets Fresher OJ also found the one drain cover in the outfield and decided to put his foot through it. Not sure why. Despite scoring a run a ball ton, Hugo still hadn’t done enough and kept reminding me he was ‘loose’. Too loose in my eyes. To summarise Hugo’s performance with the ball, Hugo asked to to be taken off mid-over. He then politely said ‘Don’t worry, I’ll finish the over Skip’. ‘Oh good, thanks for confirming that’, I replied. The umpire then called over immediately. Cue hysterical laughing. I think the Worth’s day out was illustrated beautifully in how the last wicket fell. TC ‘running’ in during his second spell, bowled a head hight full toss to a 12 year old, which was looping off the splice to me at mid-wicket. I decided I didn’t like Tom anymore, do didn’t catch it. I let it bounce, gathered the ball, and threw it to Tom at the non-strikers end, who quickly whipped off the bails. Both Worth players were stuck halfway down, not sure whether they were coming or going. After all this, the umpire did decide to call it a no-ball. My situational awareness is insane, I know. After all that, Worth were all out for 135 from 45 overs. Everyone chipping in with wickets and George (not me) taking some very good grabs (plural). Special mentions to OJ, for his 50 on debut, Hugo, for his imperious 103 not out and to myself, for figures of 3/11 from 9 overs (I know, I am so good). Thank you to Worth for hosting us, everyone thoroughly enjoyed themselves and I hope my team would like to relive this brilliant day again next season.

Lots of love, George x

Oh, and OJ is called Fish because he looks like a Fish. That’s it really.

Scorecard : https://sussexmartlets.play-cricket.com/website/results/6716654

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