Fletching Over 40s

The Sussex Martlets v Fletching… if it was a news programme…

Bong- Coming up tonight… in search of the missing Martlets… nowhere to be seen… had they been Fletching’d?!
Upsot – Old bloke sitting in front of Pavilion- “It would never have happened in my day.. what’s the world coming to?”
Bong- The white knights appear in a blaze of pink and blue ready to put the villagers to the sword…if only the oppo had read the script.
Upsot- Whack…
Bong- The mystery of the missing cricket slippers- who would they fit? And would they be a Prince Charming or a dirty rotten scoundrel?
Upsot- Degsy..“They stunk like a pre election political pledge…”
Through cam 1 on a wide shot (although not quite as wide as a Martlet bowlers first over of a new season…) through to cam 2 and cue…or rather…play…
Good evening. “We start with a conundrum. What do you call a game of cricket without cricketers?
A no-ballers? Well that’s what it looked like was going to be the case at Fletching earlier today… our reporter Alova Sledge is at the ground.. Alova…”
“Yes it was here behind me just a few hours ago that Umpire Diddy Snickit was seen going through his pre-match warm ups- raising a finger and stretching out his arms… to a ground as empty as it is now.. not a player in sight as the clock ticked past 2.30… and before you ask.. no they weren’t all at the dentist.. although extracting them from The Griffin was as tough as an impacted wisdom tooth- not that the Martlets could be accused of making an impact on this game and as for wisdom… sorry I thought I saw their skipper there.. now where was I? Sorry, yes back to the game… and as the saying goes win the toss and be the batting boss…”
Studio “Sorry Alova… I thought Degsy inserted”?
Alova “Yes but we are pre watershed and most of Sussex know what that feels like… oh sorry.. yes he did… but it was a cunning move… he saw devilment in the pitch and was keen to capitalise on it. “
Studio “Excellent move.. so what were the home side skittled for”…
Alova “201 off thirty overs”…
Studio “Sorry Alova we must have some
break up on the line I thought you said they were all out for 201… how ridiculous.. silly me”!
Alova “Yes quite absurd.. they only got 5 of them out”!!
Studio “Ok but all was well as the Martlets had Sam ‘get (a hundred) Carter’ opening up.”
Alova “He got a duck”
Studio “we’ve got more break up on the line…”
Alova “I said it was golden…”
Studio… “Hardly… was there anything good to report for the Martlets”?
Alova “Well actually yes, James Dahl, fresh from producing Wellington’s best ever GCSE results got a distinction of his own at the crease… while others got a ‘must do better’… and while he couldn’t quite get Degsy’s diamonds as they will never be called over the line it did allow another of the clubs utter spankers…well I think that’s what I heard Dave Mann call Tom Whyte anyway… because he finished the game with a flourish… a few runs short of the required number but the master stroke of making the game a declaration affair meant it was honours even…”
Studio. “So that was that then…?”
Alova. “Well not quite… while Fletching once again delivered a bbq worthy of a Gregg Wallace grilling one player was incapable of managing the simplest of tasks… packing his kit…
Studio. “Name names Alova”…
Alova. “ Well for fear of legal reprisals I won’t do that but what I can say is that it wasn’t any of those mentioned so far, nor was it the dapper brothers Fergus or Jamie O’Meara. Willy Boulter’s kit fitted as snuggly next to his box of best sellers in the Morgan as it did when he arrived. Jeremy McGahan’s shoes are still bootiful works of cricketing art and that just leaves Neil Billing who is Joe Rootesque in his meticulous planning… “I counted the gloves, bats and boots out and I counted them back in again…” I say just leaves… there is of course one other whose name escapes…”
Studio. “Well Alova time has beaten us, or should I say the bails have been lifted on this fixture for another year…. When we will do it all again, but for this evening thanks for watching… and goodnight.”
Presenter shuffles scorecard… director takes wide shot but this time gives the camera operator the benefit of the doubt… music drifts in…

Jonny Wills

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